Disagreements abound on the question of what exactly makes someone a true Calvinist, and that’s why I’m here—to set the record straight. Put simply, being a Calvinist has little to do with affirming the teachings of a 16th-century theologian and much to do with following the antics of a six-year-old boy. More specifically, you are only worthy of the label “Calvinist” if you are able to demonstrate a working knowledge of Bill Waterson’s cartoon strip Calvin and Hobbes.
I know this sounds a bit elitist, but I have found myself greatly offended on many occasions by people who run on at the mouth, saying things like, “Oh, wow, am I ever a great big Calvinist!”, but who don’t even know the name of Calvin’s schoolteacher. (It’s Miss Wormwood, for all you Arminians.)
This leads me to what I think is a reasonable test for determining whether or not you are true Calvinist. Put simply, if you can’t answer at least 10 of the following 12 questions about Waterson’s Calvin, please keep your so-called “Calvinism” to yourself and leave the rest of us purists in peace. It’s hard enough out here.
- What is Calvin’s favorite breakfast cereal?
- What is the name of Calvin’s favorite bedtime storybook?
- What is the name of the bully at Calvin’s school?
- What is the name of the superhero that Calvin becomes?
- What is the name of Calvin’s babysitter?
- What is the name of the invention that Calvin uses to reproduce himself?
- What is the last name of Susie, Calvin’s “friend” at school?
- What is the name of Calvin’s club (it met in his tree house)?
- What is the name of Calvin’s uncle (his dad’s brother)?
- What did Calvin’s dad like to do with the family while on vacation?
- What is Calvin’s favorite sport?
- What is the first thing that Hobbes would often do when Calvin arrived home from school?
So, other than Rich Ryan, any true Calvinists out there?